I recently noticed that I am troubled by too intense friendships. Not only troubled but terrified. The reason behind this I don’t know, I just know that as soon as I get the feeling someone is attached to me, getting close to me, I try to get away. Maybe I’m frightened to be responsible for them somehow. Maybe I’m frightened to get suckered down into their sadness and problems, that I won’t be able to endure this, that it would make me too sad to bear it. Fact is I go in a state of total avoidance, turn off my phone, vanish pretty much entirely. Pretty egoistical.
Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t really belong anywhere. I fit in fine wherever I want, but only for a short amount of time, because as soon as people are getting too close I detach myself, try to detangle myself from the social bonds. I am alone with my problems, this is what I have chosen. Most days I’m happy. And still, I am afraid of being utterly alone, of someday being lonely and not being able to change it anymore because I have pushed everyone who ever cared for me away.